It has been a full year, 12 months, 365 days since Zack passed. The 3rd April was a tough day.  The weather was glorious, the sun shined and threw light upon a memorial for our beautiful boy. 

NB. Its been over three years since our beautiful Zack passed. And as those who may still read this blog will see I have written very little. I came on here with a view to closing this blog down. I want to put Zack's life on paper. I want to share his story so that others in our position feel they have somewhere, even for a moment, somewhere that they feel less alone. 

Then I noticed I had written one last post. A year after his death and I think it's only right that I leave with this last memory. Thank you for reading and sharing our journey. 

We took flowers up to his place of rest,  a gorgeous headstone now stands proudly, marking the ground to which beneath Zack's ashes lay. We laid fresh flowers, Scarlett placed a crystal for him, telling us that he used to like to feel it when they were together. 

A year in time is nothing, a blip a mere dot and yet life continues. Everyone has continued with their lives as we have or at best tried to. But life is not the same, we are only half of what we were and on that day that marks the day my son left us for eternity. When. he left, part of me left too and in grief it would be very easy to give in to it and allow the darkness to consume you. But I cannot allow that to happen. Every day I get up I get up because Zack lived his life with such courage, always a smile to be seen, completely wrapped in love. And he affected many people and he was here and for that reason I have to carry on in his name. 

I think of him constantly, I still can't watch any Marvel films, I still cannot listen to any songs played at his  funeral, I still can't go through his clothes nor change his room. I cannot go past his picture without smiling and saying hello to him as though he still extists in this realm. And even though all that time and seasons have passed us by it is like his presence is ever so strong in our family home. That is where I feel the closest to him and I hope that never changes. We are learning to live without Zack in our lives. Before it was exciting and interesting and he added sparkle to everything, now it is dull and bleak at times. 

We are trying to forge forward with new memories. Go on new adventures but the three of us collectively feel sad that he too isn't enjoying the adventure, though we don't say this to each other we just know. 

There is no time on grief and just because one year passes people would assume it has got easier, perhaps this is the most untrue assumption, now we enter our second year without Zack it is even harder. Harder because of the realisation that this is real, he isn't coming home, he has gone. And that grief hits hard when a big wave comes seemingly out of nowhere. Unexpectedly and you need to steady yourself and let the tears flow and feel the pain of the loss. And though these come slightly less, the hole exists within me always but the hole will always hold love and light as I refuse to let darkness be Zack's lasting memory.